How This Moving On Works

I’ve struggled these days. Writing has always been my way of processing my feelings, my ideas and where I think I should be going. As I age, and when my contemporaries pass away, my carefully curated groups of friends help me move through this crazy world with me. I find that it becomes difficult to put down in words what my life has become. 

This life. This precious life. I am so grateful for the people who have stayed with me through the ups and downs. Too often, caregivers are left alone to do the work.  This is not unusual. As much as they need help, they push back on the help. At least that was my way. I’ve learned that this isn’t the healthiest path. But yet, we persist.  This world today is full of unease, and “going it alone” is easier in some ways.

I am “triggered” by events that have happened recently.  I good friend has made the difficult decision to place her son in a facility. He will do great. But at what cost? This is always the questions I ask myself.  I didn’t have the “luxury” to make this decision with Sophie, my medically fragile daughter. Placement, to give me respite was not an option.  She was so complicated that she would only be at an ICU level of care. That would have been her death sentence.  The care she needed was at a level that someone would need to be literally at her side 24/7.  My friend’s son will thrive where he is going.  I am excited for her to have the relief of letting go, of moving on.  But this is not an easy road.  She, I know, will be full of emotions that I can only imagine.  I have not walked this walk she takes.  New roads now taken, I wish them so much love and courage on this adventure.

Recently I’ve had 2 people pass away that I have had the honor of knowing in my college years and beyond. One was a man who devoted his life to his family and faith.  Our college years were full of fun, marching band, and late night conversations trying to solve the world’s problems.

And then there’s G.  She was my “first” roommate in college.  (The actual first was a disaster that she and my group of friends rescued me from in the middle of the night my freshman year.)  We lost touch and then reconnected later in our busy lives. This group of ladies from college are one of my strongest touchstones that keeps me grounded in life and love. G was our leader and she will be missed so very, very much.  We will Wak On in her honor.

 I remember seeing my parents’ grief while their contemporaries moved on. It’s an honor and privilege to grow old. It also is full of goodbyes. I am one who believes that those we love will stay with us.  And there will be signs that they are still with us.  These are tough times. I am tougher. Cheers to life! Peace.