How to Help the Caregivers

Caregiving is hard. Caregiving someone who is medically fragile is even harder. Caregiving someone with dementia is exhausting. I don’t believe there is an easy caregiver role. There are days that seem to go by with little drama and things to rejoice, but in my world that was so few and far between. You deal with high levels of stress, sleeplessness, and some form of PTSD along with anticipatory grief. Your cortisol levels are in the toilet.

Most of my friends are Caregivers. Many don’t work for pay. Many who could work lost jobs from having to be there for their loved one. During the Covid years paid caregiving dissolved with the pandemic. Understandably companies cannot keep jobs open for those of us who need to rush home at a moments notice. My daughter died just shy of when Covid shut things down. It was a gift. I don’t say that lightly- I would do anything to have her here with me now. But the level of care she needed, and without help I would have disappeared. There would be nothing left of me. Which equates to nothing left of her- she wouldn’t have survived. With her high level of care when in the hospital (where we never left her alone,) the Covid restrictions would have killed her. I’d like to think that I could have advocated my ass off, but the reality is that she would have been too much for a hospital.

Now 5-plus years out from Sophie’s death, there are other issues besides the profound grief that travels with you. Having been out of the work force for 20-plus years, forced me to start over. Pay is low. I’m on my own financially, but with the generosity of great friends and family to help me survive these times. Ageism has raised its ugly head. Old skills don’t translate in this new world of finding a job. The job market is brutal and companies rely on online applications and AI weeding out of what could be a perfect fit. Job posting algorithms are drawn to my caregiving skills when the last thing I want to do again is to be a caregiver. My life as a caregiver sucked the life out of me. Only now am I able to feel that I could help advocate for better things for this community.

This reality sits heavily with me. My caregiver friends have lived and continue to live this horror. This is why I advocate for caregivers. They need more. They need recognition, relief, respite. Mostly they need rest. And they need us to help. How, you ask? Firstly, you can try to ask them. They will most likely say they are “fine,” or that they don’t know. It’s up to us who know them to help them.

Here is a short list of things you can do to help:

Call your representatives in government to support any and all bills that would make Caregivers lives easier. Millions of dollars of care are “free” from these individuals and we literally owe our lives and those of our loved ones to these people.

Instead of saying, “What can I do to help you” or “Call me if you need anything” say:

I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow-can I pick up anything for you?

I’m mowing my lawn tomorrow, can I mow yours for you?

I’m coming over on Tuesday to clean/pick up for you-what room should I start with? What time is convenient? Do NOT pick up before I get there!

If you are able and can handle it, offer to help them for a few hours- “I’ll sit with your son/daughter/parent for Y hours so you can get a break.”

I’m coming over to help you on Tuesday at 9am- we’ve got 3 hours to do whatever you want me to do- YOU ARE NOT ENTERTAINING ME- I’m here to clean, organize, sit with you. I’ll bring the tea/coffee/drink of choice.

If you offer to do something, DO NOT CANCEL. (Unless you are sick, then rebook another date- they definitely don’t want your ick in their house!)
However, if their loved one is sick, be flexible and reset the help date.

If you live far away:

Offer a cleaning service if you can afford to.

Gift certificates to grocery stores, big stores like Walmart, Target etc, massage places, hair salons, cards to coffee shops/tea shops/beverage shops to give them a treat. Don’t judge what they do with this gift. Most caregivers have lots of extras that are needed but encourage them to use it for themselves. (And they probably won’t!)

Delivery services- any and all are appreciated. While getting out of the house is needed, there are so many times that a caregiver cannot leave. Whether it’s a shopping need or food delivery both are appreciated. Pay for their subscription.

The big value is in giving them TIME- either with you or so that it takes a task or tasks off their very, very long agenda.

My Caregiver friends- have I forgotten anything? What would help you?

Stay tuned… I’ll add additional information as I find it.

And Caregivers- please take the help.

“There are only four kinds of people in the world: Those who have been caregivers. Those who are currently caregivers. Those who will be caregivers, and those who will need a caregiver.”
– Rosalyn Carter